I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
