he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
