I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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