dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
