Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
