yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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