Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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