my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
