did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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