so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude i'm inner monologue high
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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