also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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