Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
