Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
