how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize