if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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