I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
