Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
