I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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