im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
