i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
