I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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