New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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