If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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