why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
