I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
