Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
COCAINE IS GR8
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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