just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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