I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ladies don't puke and tell
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
