my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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