i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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