He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize