i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
