Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
