he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
