You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize