Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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