Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
from now on my penis is your penis
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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