Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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