I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize