I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
