he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
