I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
