you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
