I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
