If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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