I want to walk on stilts...naked
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
