If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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