Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
