I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
