Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Someone shit on the floor
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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