I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
