Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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