if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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