literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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