Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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