Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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