four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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