I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
