I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
